How Do Couples Cope With Conflicting Parenting Styles?
As you raise children with your partner, you may sometimes disagree about how to approach parenting. While having different perspectives can seem frustrating, it doesn’t have to damage your relationship. Working through conflicting parenting styles can strengthen your bond and lead to better outcomes for your kids. Raising children is a team effort, but what happens when you and your partner have different ideas about discipline, routines, or expectations? Here’s how couples can navigate these differences and establish a united front.
Understanding the Different Parenting Styles
Authoritarian Parenting Style
The authoritarian parenting approach emphasizes strict obedience to the parents’ rules and directives. These parents value order, control, and unquestioning compliance from their children. They tend to be highly demanding but not particularly responsive or nurturing. Authoritarian parents often utilize punishments instead of rewards, favor forceful measures over explanations, and expect their orders to be followed without question. While this style can promote well-behaved children in the short term, it may lead to resentment, low self-esteem, and poor social skills in the long run.
Permissive Parenting Style
On the opposite end of the spectrum lies the permissive parenting style. These parents are highly nurturing and communicative but lack appropriate discipline and structure. They tend to be lenient, avoid confrontation, and allow their children to make their own decisions early on. Permissive parents often act more like friends than authority figures, indulging their children’s whims and failing to set clear boundaries or consequences. Some parents might feel like this approach prevents conflict in the short-term, but it’s actually very confusing and even scary for kids when they don’t know who is in charge. While this approach can foster creativity and self-confidence, it may also lead to impulsive or manipulative behavior in children who are confused about their role in the family.
Authoritative Parenting Style
The authoritative parenting style strikes a balance between the two extremes - finding a way to be both loving and confidently in control. These parents are nurturing and responsive, maintaining reasonable expectations and enforcing appropriate boundaries. Authoritative parents listen to their children, encourage independence, and explain the reasoning behind their rules. They also provide consistent discipline when necessary but in a supportive, rather than punitive, manner. This approach aims to cultivate children’s self-discipline, self-confidence, and strong decision-making skills.
Uninvolved Parenting Style
The uninvolved parenting style is characterized by a general lack of involvement and emotional detachment from the child’s life. These parents provide little guidance, discipline, or nurturing, often leaving children to raise themselves. Uninvolved parents may be overwhelmed, indifferent, or unable to meet their child’s needs due to various circumstances. This approach is neglectful. It can lead to emotional and behavioral issues, poor academic performance, and a lack of self-regulation in children.
Strategies for Finding Common Ground
Divide Responsibilities
Identify areas where your natural styles align rather than clashing over every parenting decision. One parent might excel at establishing morning routines, while the other takes the lead on bedtime rituals. Dividing these spheres of influence allows each parent to lean into their strengths while presenting a united approach.
Get Curious About Yourself
This is the tip that I think is most important. When your partner says something to the kids that really gets to you, take some time to figure out why. One of the most common things I hear from clients is that somebody parented them that way and it's scary to think about their child experiencing what they did. Or maybe there's something about your partner’s words or actions that trigger something in you. Once you figure out what is at the root of the problem, it might be easier to tell your partner about this in a way that will really get through. Often, if we react to frustration or anger in the moment, our partner might just hear that we think they're doing something wrong. This will make anybody defensive. Circling back later and explaining why it bothers you can help you understand each other.
Get Curious About Your Partner
If your partner and you have a disagreement about parenting, try to get curious about why your partner might've been triggered. Take some time to get calm (usually at least 20 minutes) and ask your partner about their reaction from a genuine place of curiosity. You’re not trying to change them, or even figure out what to do about the kids. It’s all about understanding your partner. Sometimes when we have parenting disagreements, we jump right into trying to solve the problem without even really understanding what happened. Get curious about your partner and try to find out why this issue is important to them.
Embrace Compromise
If you think about the issue when you’re calm and realize that it's something you can live with, compromise might be the best option. It’s important to mention that this tip does not apply if you and your partner disagree on something that you feel is harming your children. But if it doesn’t conflict with your core values or put your kids in danger, consider compromising on smaller matters like bedtimes or screen time limits. For instance, one parent may allow a later bedtime on weekends, while the other grants more flexibility with digital devices. Kids are capable of accepting different limits from different caregivers. Finding this middle ground can prevent power struggles and resentment from taking root.
Present a Unified Team
While disagreeing behind closed doors is natural, try to avoid contradicting each other in front of kids. This can be uncomfortable and confusing for the kids. Instead, discuss disagreements privately and convey a consistent, supportive message to kids. A cohesive parental unit provides invaluable stability and it’s usually more important than any single issue.
Address Any Issues with Trust
Successful relationships are rooted in trust. Even with different parenting styles, if you trust your partner’s judgment and decisions, it’s easier to agree to disagree about a few things. A lot of the tips I've given so far can be really helpful if you have a strong foundation of trust, but just have a few different opinions. However, if you find yourself being really uncomfortable with your partner’s parenting style, it could indicate that there's some deeper trust issues that you might benefit from addressing.
Whether you are having trouble trusting your partner to parent well, or you’re just not sure how to address disagreements about parenting, getting some support from therapist can be really clarifying. It can also be helpful if things tend to go south when you try to talk about parenting and you feel really alone with it. Couples Counseling can help you feel less isolated and get to the root of what’s happening when you disagree about parenting.