How to Keep Calm When Children Throw Tantrums
Maintaining composure in the face of a child’s tantrum is one of parenting’s greatest challenges. As your little one screams and flails on the floor of the grocery store, you may feel your own emotions spiraling out of control. However, staying calm is crucial for effectively managing the situation and helping your child learn emotional regulation. Understanding the root causes of these emotional outbursts can help you respond more effectively and compassionately.
Tantrums are a normal part of child development, often occurring between ages 1 and 5. During this period, children are developing rapidly but lack the verbal skills to express their needs and emotions adequately. This communication gap often leads to frustration and subsequent meltdowns. Older children will probably still have big emotional outbursts - especially at times of transition, exhaustion, and stress.
Causes of Emotional Overwhelm
Tantrums often emerge when something has changed in the life of a child or a new stressor has been added. Little kids live in a world where a lot is out of their control, and they really rely on predictability and routine to make sense of their days. Changes like starting school, getting a new sibling, moving to a new house, or a parents’ new job can come with an increase in big feelings. In our neck of the woods, it’s the beginning of a new school year, and I’ve definitely noticed the emotional temperature around our house creep up a bit. This is completely normal, and while it's still challenging to deal with sometimes, it really helps me to be calm when I know that it's totally normal and something I should expect when I see a change coming in our routine. Expecting these fluctuations helps me to remember that there's nothing wrong here - it's normal and expected. I also know that it won't last forever.
You may also notice that tantrums frequently occur when your child is tired, hungry, or overstimulated. In these states, their ability to regulate emotions is compromised. The flood of intense feelings can quickly spiral into a full-blown tantrum as they struggle to cope with the overwhelming sensations.
Big emotions can also come from your kiddo’s lack of control. As children grow, they naturally want more independence and control over their environment. However, they don’t really have the ability to be in charge, nor would it be safe or comfortable for them if they were. When you set limits or say no, it can trigger a tantrum as they grapple with feelings of powerlessness and disappointment.
I often find that when parents get triggered by kids’ emotions, it's not just about the actual tantrum; we are also piling on questions like, “Is my child normal? “Am I a bad parent?” “Are they spoiled?” It's a lot easier to stay calm if we can soothe that part of ourselves and remember that all kids go through this. Understanding the causes of our kids’ emotional outbursts is often the biggest step in staying calm.
Staying Calm When Tantrums Happen
Even if we know it's normal, it can be really overwhelming when our child is crying, screaming, or even trying to hit or bite us. Here are some strategies to help you stay calm and collected.
Pause and Take a Deep Breath
Before reacting, pause and take a deep breath. This simple act can help you regain control of your emotions and prevent you from escalating the situation. You don't actually have to do anything right now except keep them safe. It's not your job to try to fix this or get them to stop crying. It’s your job to be there for them while they are in distress. If you are in a place where it’s ok, let it play out. Just be with your child and try to keep yourself as calm as possible. If not, calmly remove your child from the situation and get them to a spot where they can express their feelings (this might mean carrying them out of the grocery store or the playground, etc).
Keep them Safe
As gently as you can, take physical steps to keep your child and yourself safe. This might involve gently holding their hands, protecting their head or removing them physically from a situation.
Remind Yourself that They Cannot Listen
Sometimes when our child is in the middle of a tantrum, we start trying to teach them a lesson about why we needed to say no to the dangerous thing they want to do, or why we can’t pull things off the grocery store shelves. This makes perfect sense. The part of us that knows how to talk to adults logically feels that if we could explain the situation, it might calm our child down. How often has this worked? Probably not very much. This is not their fault. When your child's in the middle of a tantrum, remind yourself that they are not going to be able to respond to logic at that moment, and that you are not going to be able to teach them any kind of lesson until they calm down. Your only job right now is to keep them safe and try to connect with them. Sit with them as calmly as you can and focus on connection.
If you want to know more, the wonderful book, No Drama Discipline by Tina Payne Bryson and Daniel Siegel has a a lot of wonderful information on how to connect with your child so that they can listen to the things you want to teach them.
Identify Your Triggers
Recognize the specific aspects of tantrums that push your buttons. Take some time after it’s over to think about what happened. By understanding your own emotional responses, you can better prepare yourself to remain calm when these triggers arise.
Establish a Support System
Don’t hesitate to reach out to your partner, family members, or friends for support. Having a network of people who understand your challenges can provide emotional relief and practical advice when you need it most.
Strategies to Prevent and Shorten Tantrums
Establish Clear Routines and Expectations
Having consistent daily routines can significantly reduce the likelihood of tantrums. When children know what to expect, they feel more secure and are less likely to act out. Talk through what's going to happen next, especially when the day is a little different than usual or something exciting is happening. For example, “After school tomorrow, Daddy is going to pick you up. So when you come out the door, there he'll be waiting for you. After school, you have your swim lesson, so Daddy will bring a snack with him. Is there anything in particular you would like to have in your snack? Then Daddy will take you to the pool and help you change and he'll stay there while you swim with your teacher. Then you'll come home with Daddy and when you get home, I'll be waiting for you ready to give you a big hug.” Remember, young children don't have the same sense of time as adults, and they won't necessarily remember that every Wednesday we have swimming. They really need a lot of reinforcement to feel secure. This structure of looking into the future helps children feel in control and minimizes potential triggers for outbursts.
Offer Choices and Empower Decision-Making
Provide your child with age-appropriate choices throughout the day. This sense of control can prevent feelings of frustration that often lead to tantrums. For example, ask if they’d prefer the red or blue shirt or if they’d like to brush their teeth before or after story time. These small decisions can make a big difference in reducing power struggles and promoting cooperation.
Talk about Important Changes and Stressors
If there's something new happening in your child's life, talk about it! I think that sometimes parents think that if they go on like everything is normal, their child won't notice. Kids are pretty intuitive and they are picking up on our stresses. Talk to kids in an age-appropriate way and give them a chance to process the way things are affecting them. Don't just try to convince them that the change will be positive and that they should be excited. Rather, allow them to ask questions and expect that they might be upset, sad or scared. For example, if there is a new little sibling or a baby on the way, this might mean talking about how it could be hard if mama needs to be with the baby and can't be with them. There might be changes in their in their environment, such as getting a new bed so the baby can use their crib, sharing a room, or a difference in who is taking care of them. Give them a chance to talk about what might be exciting, as well as what might be difficult.
Tantrums are normal, and there's no way to completely get rid of them. But by understanding why our kids get deregulated and how we can support them, we can get through emotional outbursts with more calm and empathy. If you’re struggling to stay calm during your child’s tantrums and would like more support, parenting therapy can help. Reach out today to book a consultation.