What Is Attachment? The Different Styles Explained

When we are young, our caregivers, often our parents, teach us what it is to be human. They show us what to expect from people, how reliable people are, whether we can count on people to accept us and comfort us when we are sad and vulnerable.

We might learn that humans are responsive, that they are accepting, and that we are worthy of people’s attention and love. Or we might learn that humans are sometimes available, but sometimes they’re too busy. Sometimes they hug us when we’re sad, but sometimes they yell and tell us to deal with our feelings alone. Or we might even learn that humans are scary - that we can’t rely on anyone to take care of us. There’s a part of us that carries these early ideas about the world with us when we grow up - even if they aren’t helpful with our partners and other relationships.

Attachment theory explains these different types of emotional bonds that form between children and their caretakers and how they impact us. According to this theory, how our parents or primary caretakers behave toward us as infants impacts how we connect with others as adults. How we form attachments starts early, and understanding your style can help you make sense of how you relate to others.

The 4 Attachment Styles

Secure Attachment

If you had caretakers who were attentive and responsive to your needs as a baby, you likely developed a secure attachment style. As an adult, it can be easier to have stable, long-lasting relationships and a positive view of yourself and others. You’re comfortable both giving and receiving love and affection. Securely attached people believe they are worthy of love and that their partners will be there for them. They can give and receive love freely without losing their sense of self.

Anxious Attachment

You may have developed an anxious attachment style if your caretakers were inconsistent or unresponsive in the past. These folks tend to worry about abandonment and seek constant reassurance from their partners. It makes so much sense that this feels necessary to folks with an anxious attachment style, because it was probably really important as they grew up with an inconsistent or unresponsive caregiver. However, what made sense when they were young, might make it difficult to relate to a partner who is loving and responsive. They may worry that their partner doesn’t love or value the relationship. People with an anxious attachment style may be quite dependent on their partners and require frequent expressions of love and commitment. They have a hard time trusting that their partners will meet their needs.

Avoidant Attachment

If your caretakers were distant or rejecting, you may have developed an avoidant attachment style. People with an avoidant attachment style might have developed this as a coping strategy because when they did get vulnerable with caretakers, it didn’t go well. They might have learned that getting vulnerable or sharing your true self can actually be really scary and harm your relationships. So then even when they have a loving partner, it can be hard to trust that vulnerability will be helpful. Avoidant folks often value independence and have trouble depending on romantic partners. They are uncomfortable with intimacy and vulnerability. They may pull away emotionally and physically from their partners to maintain peace and avoid distress in the relationship. Those who lean towards avoidant attachment tend to repress their attachment needs and avoid intimacy.

Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment can develop when the people who we rely on for care and comfort are also a source of fear. This is very difficult and confusing for a child. People with a disorganized attachment style often relate inconsistently and unpredictably to their partners. They desire closeness but feel extremely uncomfortable with intimacy. They might feel like they identify with aspects of both avoidant and anxious attachment strategies.

Building Secure Attachment

No matter how you were raised, it’s possible to create “earned secure attachment” with your current partner.

The first step is often to understand yourself better and notice how you respond when your partner does something to make you feel a sense of insecurity in your relationship. You might realize that how you are responding to your partner doesn't do a good job of communicating what you really need. For instance, many of us might find ourselves getting angry or defensive, but if we stop to notice how we are feeling, it turns out that we actually feel abandoned and alone. Or maybe we are worried about making the relationship worse by fighting, so we get quiet and withdraw from our partner, but they don't see how much we care. If it feels safe, finding a way to tell your partner what's really going on can be very powerful.

This is important work, but sometimes it can be hard to do on your own. Understanding attachment style and how it impacts a negative cycle in our relationships is what Emotionally Focused Therapy is all about. if you feel like you need more support, learning more about Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy could be a good next step.