What Is EFT and How Can It Help Couples?

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a type of couples therapy about understanding and improving the emotional bonds between partners. EFT is based on the idea that people need secure, loving connections with others, and it helps couples move from feeling distant and distressed to feeling close and supported.

How EFT Works

1. Understanding Your Relationship:

   • Getting to Know You: It all starts with learning about your relationship and the problems you’re facing. A therapist listens to both of you to understand how you interact with each other and see the big picture of your relationship dynamics.

   • Identifying Patterns: The therapist identifies the patterns causing conflict and misunderstandings. In EFT we call this the negative cycle. Every couple has these patterns. Seeing these patterns clearly is a big step toward changing them.

2. Reducing Negative Cycles:

   • Seeing the Patterns: The therapist helps you see the negative cycles in your relationship and understand the deeper emotions and needs behind them. For example, you might fight about chores, but the real issue could be that you feel unappreciated or unloved. Understanding what’s really going on beneath the surface helps address the root of the problem instead of just the symptoms.

   • Expressing Emotions: Learning to talk about your deeper feelings and needs in a way that helps your partner understand you better is a huge part of EFT. Your therapist will strive to create an environment where you and your partner can gradually have more and more vulnerable conversations. This can be tough at first, especially if you’re not used to opening up. But when you share your true feelings, your partner can see your vulnerability and respond with empathy and support.

3. Creating Positive Changes:

   • New Ways to Respond: You learn to practice new, positive ways of responding to each other’s needs and emotions. When we fight, we are often stuck in a place that feels really reactive and defensive. In EFT sessions, we slow these conversations down to find out what’s actually making it feel so bad. When you see what's really going on with your partner, it's easier to respond with empathy.

   • Building Connection: The therapist helps you have conversations that bring you closer and strengthen your emotional bond. These conversations are like building blocks for a stronger relationship. You start to see each other as allies instead of adversaries.

4. Making Changes Last:

   • Reinforcing New Patterns: In EFT sessions, we try to figure out what’s really going on under the negative cycle, so that you and your partner can find new ways of interacting. It’s not a one-time fix but a gradual process. All couples experience negative cycles, but over time you will start to recognize when the cycle is getting you stuck and you’ll be able to try something different. Gradually the cycle will come up less frequently and you and your partner will be able to talk about tough topics without fighting so much and feeling so alone.

   • Deepening Your Bond: Over time, these changes help you feel more secure and connected in your relationship. You will have secure attachment with your partner. The positive interactions become more natural, and the negative cycles become less frequent.

How EFT Can Help Your Marriage

EFT can be really helpful for couples having a tough time. Here’s how it can help you and your partner:

1. Understanding and Changing Patterns: We’ll work together to figure out the negative patterns in your relationship and understand the emotions driving them. This helps you both see that the problem is not the other person but the negative cycle you’re stuck in.

2. Safe Space for Emotions: We’ll create a safe place where both of you can share your feelings and vulnerabilities without judgment. This safe space allows you to be honest and open without fear of being hurt or rejected.

3. Learning New Ways to Connect: We’ll practice new ways of interacting that help you understand and support each other better. Your EFT therapist will help you have a different conversation than the one you’ve been having over and over and feeling stuck with.

4. Strengthening Your Relationship: Over time, these new interactions will help you feel closer and more connected, turning your relationship into a source of strength and comfort.

Remember, EFT is about creating a loving and supportive connection. It’s normal to feel nervous or unsure, but with time and effort, you and your partner can build a stronger, happier relationship. You’re taking an important step by seeking help, and there’s hope for a better future together. Reach out to learn more about Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.